The Inevitable

All of us will die eventually. And everyone faces death in their own way. Some of us will go through the five-step grieving process. Others will simply view it as the final step in the cycle of life.

I don’t look back on my life with a list of regrets or grievances, but as someone lucky to know when the end is coming. I can prepare myself and my friends and family. I’m not afraid to say the word “cancer,” knowing that saying it out loud will not make it worse. I have cancer and it’s killing me. I can feel my tumors with my fingertips. Those fast-growing cells are robbing my body of the nutrients that it needs to fight this disease.

The most difficult thing to face is the fact that the end will be like a permanent blackout, clicking that last switch. (No, I don’t believe in the concept of heaven and one’s ability to reunite with old grandma sitting on a cloud somewhere.) We spend so much of our lives anticipating the future — Who will win the next Stanley Cup; theater tickets for next week’s play that you’ve read such good things about; scheduling my next dentist appointment; coffee with friends; watching my grandchildren develop from awkward adolescents into mature, amazing adults. I won’t be living through those things and it disappoints me. But no regrets.

Life was good.